Christ is the ONLY WAY

I was contemplating blogging this because family for me is a touchy subject as always. But I must blog it out because I can't write that fast on paper.

I LOVE MY MOM AND MY SISTER. I LOVE them, and I think I just recently realized this. They mean so much to me. I used to get so annoyed by them (I still kind of do) because they have the weirdest quirks and high demands but GAH I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM.

And I want them to come to God. I want them to see the truth and experience the magnificent joy that I have found. And I think I used to be afraid of what they thought of me because I wanted us to be on good terms. I didn't want awkwardness, I didn't want them to think I was crazy... so I stayed fairly silent.

But I think during these past couple weeks, I have realized HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM. And I think when you know you love somebody, you want them to know Christ INSANELY BAD. Because Christ is the TRUTH, He is the LIGHT, and He has the ONLY PATH to SALVATION and REDEMPTION of our sins. If I understood that, what would I have to fear??? Sometimes I lose sight of how GREAT Christ is and how TRUE and REAL He is. CHRIST IS THE ONLY WAY. HE IS THE ONLY WAY.

And now that I have captured the greatness of Christ again, I think I am free from the fear that I had with mom and sister.

Our family is so broken.. we're weird and crazy and messed up and putting the three of us together is usually guaranteed for disaster. I used to dream in middle school through high school of the future.. the family we would become. I seriously used to think of a time in the future (like when Sandy and I are in our late 20s).. when mom would change..when sister would forgive..when love was genuine. we'd finally be able to let go of the chains that kept our family from being..happy. We'll finally be that happy family that mom always pretends we are. And I realize it now.. CHRIST IS THE ONLY WAY, that this can happen. People just don't change..people just don't forgive..people just don't love, without Christ. The only way I know our family can be mended is through Christ. If they knew who Christ was..and the TRUTH of God's will.. His glory..His authority.. His LOVE.. Christ is the only way.

Lord, help me trust in your work with my mom and sister. Help me have peace, knowing that in the end, your will will be done. And may that give me peace and joy. Tear down their idols and open their eyes. If they could only see a glimpse of who you are, God, I know they would see how great your love is and how real and living you are. Lord I know how much you love them.. God, would you reveal yourself to them?

*if this made no sense please disregard because I don't know how to make this private.

I Don't Take God Seriously.

These past few weeks have been incredibly overwhelming for me, with current situations, planning of the next few months, etc...and in the midst of it all, I just cannot seem to fully cling onto God. Everytime I think I've let go of my fears, the very next day all my burdens come rushing back.

One good thing is that I'm finally past the pitiful point of asking God "why things are so hard", but now I'm asking WHY I can't just TRUST Him. Only a few weeks ago, I was testifying to how when I finally let go of the things I was afraid of, God truly pulled through for me. I remember how amazed I was.. how convicted I felt.. and how I knew it was ALL God. The other day I was praying, and during a time of "silence to listen to God", a phrase kept repeating itself..'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'. I remember afterwards feeling assured that God will keep his promises.

But here I am again, stuck in this rut of anxieties, shouldering all my burdens, like everything depends on me. Do I still not understand that God reigns over ALL? Do I still not believe that He will provide for me everything that I NEED? Why can I still not trust Him when He has shown me SO MUCH of how GREAT He is? Oh, my feebleness..

My conclusion for why fears arise...I take myself too seriously and don't take God seriously enough.

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"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:5-6.

mini lightbulb moment

God teaches me in the weirdest ways.
what does it mean to "wait upon the lord?"

ok, i have dwelled on this question for FOREVER! through songs (everlasting god by chris tomlin) and through scripture (isaiah 40:31. psalm 27:14..more), i have never understood this concept. moreover, i never understood how we wait.. everytime i read it, i feel convicted to do so because I know it's God's word, but i'm not understanding how i can and then i stifle the thought and kind of breeze right through the verse...

today, before jumping to the HOW, i tried to understand WHAT IT MEANS to wait on God.

super lame, but in my quest of putting it all together, i looked up the meaning of "wait".
(I deleted the totally unrelated ones like "serve tables at restaurant"):
wait:
a: to stay in place in expectation of
b: to look forward expectantly
c: to hold back expectantly

so, IF i was waiting on the Lord.. that would mean that i am completely dependant on God. i would always "hold back", letting God take control, and waiting on God to show his plans for me, not relying on myself. it would mean that i am patient, for i am "staying in place in expectation of". it would mean that i have given up everything to Him and that i would be just waiting for Him to decide everything for me. IF i was waiting upon the Lord, not only would i be patient and dependant, but i would "look forward expectantly"..meaning the waiting wouldn't be full of anxiousness..but peaceful and joyful.

hm. i think it's finally all coming together--i dont know why it's so hard for me to understand this. oh the grace of God...

I WANT TO WAIT UPON THE LORD!